what the fuck is the name of that thing on her head. i want it, but i have no idea what to google if i dont know what the fuck it's called.

(its the girl on the right by the way)

It's been a long time. I was excited to tell my stories about my delivery of my beautiful son, Preston, but after Ambrosia died, the wind was just sucked out of my sails. It feels like my family has been living in an alternate reality. Shit hit the fan with everything at home, Frankie, my stepfather called my mom a murderer and said it was her fault that Ambrosia was dead, and eventually my mom moved out and now they are separated. Ambrosia was cremated on February 25th. The day before that we had a viewing to go see her body. It ripped my heart right out of my body. Ambrosia and I were really close up until things started going bad in the past 6 months, and she was always really lively and vibrant and witty, and to just see her lying there, no life, no spirit in her... it was just brutal. I've never seen my mom like that before. I never imagined anything like this would ever happen to us. I've been angry with God, angry with Ambrosia, angry at the world and feeling all sorts of things that I just can't sort out at all. Everything becomes the first time. The first time I went back to work since she died, the first time Iv'e done this or done that. Ambrosia had a funeral mass on February 26th. The church was overcrowded with over 200 people showing up. It was hard. It's still hard. I talk to her everyday and beg for her to give me a sign that she hears. Nothing. When we told my 8 year old sister Chloe, a day or two after it happened, she was crying hysterically and reaching for the sky crying out "Ambrosia come back" and it just killed me. I'm sad for what Ambrosia did, and for what she did to my mom. Two days ago my mom called me up crying saying that Ambrosia must have really hated her, and that she must've done it to get back at her. (Someone Ambrosia knew called CPS the day afterwards and said that Ambrosia had killed herself to get back at her mom. This person is not a friend of Ambrosias and has been making CPS calls on us for months) I just wish my mom didn't have to feel like that. In the last months with Ambrosia sometimes it was rough, but that was definately not true that Ambrosia hated our mom or was doing this to get back at her.

A local band that Ambrosia was a fan of made a video for her.
Here it is. I can almost feel her around when I watch it.

My sister Ambrosia, the one we've been having behavioral issues with lately, hung herself yesterday. She left a note that said "Don't worry, there will be no more pain". She was alive when my stepfather found her, but by the time the ambulance got there 30 minutes later she was gone. Our attempts at CPR when we found her were futile. One of her asshole friends called CPS on my mom today and told them that Ambrosia killed herself to get back at my mom. And the CPS lady actually told my mom that. I'm still in shock. And I don't know what to say. I miss her. I just want her to know that I'm sorry and we love her so much, and that I hope she never thought we hated her because of anything that happened. I try to talk to her all the time, even in the 24 hours she's been gone, I ask her to let me know somehow that she's okay.... and nothing. I'm so sorry. Please say a prayer for my beautiful sister Ambrosia. She was only fifteen and now my son Preston will never get to know truly what an incredible person she was.

i just watched Revolutionary Road via this site http://watch-movies.net/movies/revolutionary_road/?1 (watch the 5th one) and it was really incredible. Go watch it. Now.

Oh, Colin. How I've missed you.



My boyfriend used to have the same kind of hair and just recently he cut it short again. Bah.

So the winner of America's Next Top Model Cycle 11 stole my full name. Her name is actually Brittany Sullivan. She's actually younger than me, so that means she stole it from me lol.

I have some updating to do but I don't feel like it right now.

Anywho. I just went to the doctor and I think I lost my mucus plug. I'm not sure though, and my doctor is going to call me back in a few minutes. It's really gross. lol.

So it seems already baby is keeping me up. When he's awake, he moves around quite a bit, and it's not easy to sleep through. Le Sigh.

Anyway, I decided to get a lawyer. I meet with them tomorrow and I don't pay them unless I receive money through the case. Cool.

So I pushed the insurance company around some and finally they agreed to set me up with a rental car hopefully tomorrow. They are also compensating me for the work I've missed since Tuesday. Phew.

So I just talked to Gabe and everything is perfectly fabulous. I have a habit of keeping a knot of anxiety in my stomach when something goes wrong. I told him that I was scared that night that he was going to break up with me. Which honestly I was. And he was like "over that??!!" Phew.

Holy shit, did Josh from Josh and Drake get hot or what??

So to those I had planned to visit in New York. I'm not going. I've decided not to go in December either. In fact, I am so disgusted by the recent turn of events, I don't plan on ever going back really. I don't care to see Long Island again. It's hard to believe that for so long I clung to memories that were fake, and wasted so much time being a fool. It's a special kind of brutal for someone I cared about for years could say to me that I'm making up my pregnancy (that made me laugh actually) and that I could die tomorrow and they wouldnt care. Especially being that at my colposcopy I found out that I have precancerous cells in my cervix. Yeah, that's a nice thing to say to someone, Justin. Well, I'm done with it all. I've got a better life now than I ever had there, so why look back. Ever.

A boy!

Soon I'll be posting the new pictures we got of Preston Sullivan Younts :)

Retarded moms piss me off. The ones whose entire lives revolve around their children. They have little Mommy clubs where they go on stroller walks with other moms and do stupid shit like that. Ugh. Just makes me want to puke. And I'm tired of my doctor telling me to reconsider my choice to not breastfeed. I just think it's weird. And I'd like to go back to smoking and drinkingg after the baby excuuuuseee me. I do not completely turn myself into a baby care machine afterwards. UGH.

I'm off of Paxil and onto Zoloft and am cranky and irritable and am tired of everything about me being only about the 15 week fetus in my belly. Blah.

I am 12 weeks 3 days today. And I got new pictures today!! We could see the baby moving around and stuff it was so cool.


( Baby Pictures! )

I just cried for like 10 minutes over Dumbo.

I've been in love with this song since it came out in Vanilla Sky in 2002. I absolutely love Sigur Ros. The entire album titled () is just breathtaking.



Carry on.

And the Number 1 ad that makes me cry:

Evangelical Loonie: If our children can buy pornography on any street corner for five dollars, isn't that too high a price for free speech?
President Martin Sheen: No.
Evangelical Loonie: Really?
President Martin Sheen: On the other hand, I do think that five dollars is too high a price to pay for pornography.



Hahaha. Owned.